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Posts Tagged ‘marriage woecake’

Lovely

I can barely move, it’s so hot in my house. I have two fans going and I’m still sweating. Yes, actually, the air conditioning IS on. It is set on 73 degrees, and it’s currently showing the temperature as 82 degrees. STBX just got home from work and made a beeline for the downstairs; I followed him and said “The air conditioning doesn’t seem to be working”. He shrugged his shoulders and said “I have too much homework, I’m not dealing with it right now”. Ass. I wouldn’t mind too much, but I work from home and I’m gonna be sweating all over my clients come Monday.

And poor Taffy is sprawled out on the kitchen floor trying to keep cool. At least we’re getting acclimated to hot weather, right?

Namaste

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Nothing to do this weekend, so it dragged on and on and on and on and on and on. I joined Facebook for lack of anything better to do, and was surprised at all the people on it from my dark and sordid past (AKA high school, and my sister).

Depression is trying to keep its sticky fingers on me, but I keep fighting it off. I am happy one minute, sad the next, and anxious after that. What a wild ride divorce is. Methinks I need to see my doc this week about some happy pills to chase the yuckies away, since wine is only making things worse, and I have a long road ahead of me yet.

I need to find someone to go to Red Lobster with. Pronto. I have a hole in my stomach only crab legs will fill.

Namaste

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I’ve started going through my/our stuff a little bit. I took down all the wedding photos so I can remove the pictures and sell the frames. I went through my gazillion cookbooks to try and pare them down to a reasonable amount (and sell the rest). I also gathered all my tools and my toolbox, which I then organized (my mom was a big one on making sure I was prepared..she bought me all the tools I have!) and will squirrel the box someplace so B doesn’t keep using them for his “projects”.

Speaking of B, here’s some of the shit that he’s been pulling lately:

  • Friday night I get a text at 1:30am saying the password for access to our Verizon account online has been changed. I think he forgot I get texts for anything to do with that account. So as soon as he leaves his phone unattended, I am getting the new password sent to it so I can get on the account and see what he’s trying to hide. Although, I was going to go on there and add the basic text plan to my phone, since I’m texting a lot more now, but fuck that. He can pay the per-text fee.
  • He bought a brand new bicycle today, and a fire pit (for the back porch, I imagine). Good to know he’s got some money to blow. Meanwhile I’m scraping by after having to take the cat to the vet to the tune of $120.

I am talking with my family again, which is awesome. My sisters have been great about us smoothing everything over and getting on with being sisters; I talked to my stepdad briefly yesterday and he said he’d definitely call me when he got home to set up a time for us to get together. Haven’t heard back yet.

I’ve been trying to get started on a shawl I really want to make, but right now I keep working on my socks, because they’re mindless (k3 p3 ribbing), and I need something to keep my hands busy, but that I don’t have to think too much about. I feel like I have a million things running through my head right now. All I can do is try to get a little done at a time, and remind myself some things I’m worrying about will have to wait until after I meet with my lawyer. Like, as much as I’d love to start getting everything separated and boxed, I have no clue how long it’s going to take for the divorce to get finalized so I can move. So I wait. At least I can start getting garage sale stuff together, I may go ahead and have a sale in the next week or two to try to get rid of some of it now. Anything that doesn’t sell I can hold on to and see if it’ll sell at the “moving” sale.

Namaste

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Just hanging in there. B didn’t show up for our joint counseling session this morning–didn’t figure he would.

I have an appointment with a lawyer on Tuesday.

I have to take Taffy to the vet tomorrow. She’s doing pretty bad, her walking is getting worse. My friend L is going with me for support, which I will especially need if Taffy needs to be put to sleep and I have to call and tell B.

I’m taking my Klonopin (lovely drug) on a regular basis, but this second pill today is making me a bit loopy.

I’m starting a checklist of all the stuff I’m going to have to do or take care of between now and the divorce. Even then I’m sure I’ll forget shit, but at least I’m trying. Keeps me from crying all day, or plotting evil things against B. Mostly.

Please, everybody think good thoughts about my Taffy girl. Her not suffering is most important to me.

Namaste

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So, I received an email yesterday from my husband. In it, he told me he wanted a divorce. You did not read that wrong. Here is the email, in its entirety:

Lori,

You have asked me many times in the past couple of months if I think we can make this work.  I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching trying to figure out my answer to that question.  I have found my answer, but it’s been hard trying to find the right time and the courage to talk to you.  My answer is, yes, we can make this work, but I don’t think that I want to anymore.

We could spend the rest of our lives together trying to piece our relationship back together again.  And although I would be safe and secure with you, I feel like I will never again be as happy with you as I once was.  We aren’t the same people that we were.  I love you dearly, just as much as I always have, but it’s just not enough anymore.  I would do almost anything for you, as you have seen over the years (I’m still trying to get your back in touch with your family, even), but I can’t continue to focus on your happiness at the expense of my own.  When your mother died, I dedicated myself to you, and I did everything within my power to hold you together while working 60 hours per week and sleeping a couple hours a day, at times.  I changed jobs to a different shift and ended up in a place that I loathed with every fiber of my being.  It took everything that I had to do all of that, and I feel like I lost myself in the process.

I talked to you about it, and I talked to Sandra about it; my feelings of tension and anxiety whenever I am around you now.  They haven’t gone away like I thought they would.  Unfortunately, the only times that I have been truly relaxed and content have been the times when you aren’t home.  This tension and anxiety take so much out of me.  I no longer have the desire to be with you all the time like I used to.  I no longer feel the passion for you that I always had before.  I no longer want to be near you, to hold you, to touch you, like I always have.  I can be in a good mood, and you can come downstairs to talk to me and instantly I am tense, and I end up feeling depressed because of it.  I hate feeling this way.  I can’t tell where these feelings come from, when they started, or why they are there.  I just know that they aren’t going away.  Instead they are getting stronger.  Maybe it’s me finally realizing that I will grow old as a childless, bitter man, and I’m taking my frustrations out by projecting these feelings onto you.  It seems like every choice you make recently rubs me the wrong way.  I expected you to continue to work, and to continue to try to get your LPN.  Instead, you quit your job and school.  You are looking for other work, but I don’t see this other work as being the steady, reliable stability that we would need for a family.  I feel like it’s never going to happen; or if it does, it would only be your way to keep from losing me.

You quit the job and school because you realized that they are not what you want to do.  You want to be happy, and you will only be happy by doing massage.  I want to be happy as well, and I will only be happy with a family.  I can’t make you want to have kids, and I don’t want you to have kids only to stay with me.

This didn’t start with me feeling something for a woman at work.  This started long before then.  It was only my realizing that I was beginning to care for someone else that made me so aware of how unhappy I was and everything that was happening with us and in our lives.  I knew it before then, but I had just been pushing the feelings back and ignoring them prior to that.  And just so you know, she isn’t a factor in this.  She was let go when they got rid of so many people last month, when they told us that our jobs were going to China.  I haven’t really even thought about her until now.

I don’t know if this is a chickenshit way to talk to you or not.  I guess that you will kind of associate me with your dad because of the email thing.  I’m sorry for that.  This is the easiest way that I know of to talk to you and to say what I need to say with no interruptions and without chickening out.  We can talk in person.  That’s not ruled out.  I just needed to say this and to let you know.

Brad

There is so much wrong with this letter, I don’t know where to start. He contradicts himself at every turn. I am still kind of shocked at this blatant disregard for my emotions, but am getting ready to take the appropriate steps so I am not a victim in this, and I can move on and forget this sorry excuse of a person was in my life.

I have a lot of gals pulling for me, both on Ravelry (link is to my post on this letter in LSG forum) and in real life. I know my support system is iron-clad, which makes me feel really secure right now. Stitch-In is tonight, so a night out with the girls will do me a world of good.

I have started on the Jeanie shawl from Knitty in a pretty blue-green DK weight merino, plus I have some yarn caked for another shawl, this yarn is red-orange-yellow which I never use (I am more of a blue/green/purple gal), but I loved the coloring of the yarn and how it was so different from the rest of my yarn stash.

Namaste

P.S. The “Sandra” in the letter is our counselor.

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The Pixie Sweater is done and blocking! I put some little daisy buttons on, and I think it looks super cute.

Hopefully I’ll hear if I got the job or not in the next few days. They called my references, which then called me to report how it went. Everyone gushed about me, so fingers crossed!! I went from 9 hours of appointments this week to 6 hours, with a no-show this morning, so I am really hoping I get the job.

I had a counseling session this morning, and when I go to see her, I feel I can’t talk fast enough to get everything out in that hour. Last time I saw her was before I went to AZ, so there was much to get her caught up on. Like the fact I heard my stepdad got married, and no one told me until about a week ago. Yeah. And both of us puzzling over B’s actions. Lots to talk about.

Namaste

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Meh

B and I talked the other day about my job-quitting, and he said he didn’t care that I was quitting school (oh yeah, after this semester I’m quitting school!), but he was pissed I quit a “perfectly good job” when I know he will probably be losing his by the end of the year. Um, what part of “I hate it and can’t stand to be there another day plus I realized I don’t even want to go into nursing after all” did you not understand? And who says I have to pick up the slack while you’re unemployed? Maybe instead of planning on living off your unemployment while going to school full-time, you should get a job at fucking McDonald’s or something. Don’t count on me even being around then, because at the rate we’re going, I’ll be moved across the country.

I have applied for more jobs, and I got one call today. She asked me a few questions, and said she would be calling people in a few days to set up interviews.

No knitting lately. I’m working on some advertising for my massage business, and studying for finals, and drinking heavily.

I should take the cats for a walk. That way I’ll do something healthy for myself before poisoning my liver….

Namaste

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