Archive for April, 2009

The cat fell down

Last night, I was watching TV. Taffy was on the back of the couch, and Lexie was laying on a blanket on the other end of the couch from me. All of a sudden, Taffy just fell down, on top of Lexie. I freaked out, and Lexie got out from under Taffy and gave us both dirty looks. Taffy has never fallen before. She looked all dazed, and lay where she had fallen for a while before finally getting up. I am so scared she is dying. B is acting all dismissive about it, but I told him to give her plenty of attention while I’m gone, and what I wanted him to do if she passed away while I was in Arizona (I want her cremated). I will of course worry the whole entire time I’m gone; I love my girls so much!

BTW, don’t worry about my “excessive drinking” from the last post. I’m a lightweight–2 glasses of wine is about all I can handle!



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B and I talked the other day about my job-quitting, and he said he didn’t care that I was quitting school (oh yeah, after this semester I’m quitting school!), but he was pissed I quit a “perfectly good job” when I know he will probably be losing his by the end of the year. Um, what part of “I hate it and can’t stand to be there another day plus I realized I don’t even want to go into nursing after all” did you not understand? And who says I have to pick up the slack while you’re unemployed? Maybe instead of planning on living off your unemployment while going to school full-time, you should get a job at fucking McDonald’s or something. Don’t count on me even being around then, because at the rate we’re going, I’ll be moved across the country.

I have applied for more jobs, and I got one call today. She asked me a few questions, and said she would be calling people in a few days to set up interviews.

No knitting lately. I’m working on some advertising for my massage business, and studying for finals, and drinking heavily.

I should take the cats for a walk. That way I’ll do something healthy for myself before poisoning my liver….


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What a clusterfuck

So, I mentioned the other day that I quit the nursing home gig….unfortunately, my former co-workers didn’t get the message. I got a pissy phone call yesterday from the nurse telling me I “was on the schedule and am now a no call, no show”. I don’t think so, lady! I called back yesterday and got the head CNA, who I explained the situation to, but the nurse called me again today saying I was a no show. Will people there fucking talk to each other?! What the hell do I need to do, pass out fliers? If they list me on the registry as a no call no show, I will raise some hell. I quit. HR has my letter of resignation. FUCK!!!!

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I quit the nursing home–they got my letter of resignation today (I dropped it off last night), and I was supposed to work this weekend, which I know is totally unprofessional, but I couldn’t do it anymore.

I saw B today before he left for work. I asked him for help with the cats this weekend (nail trims and medication), and he happened to ask if I was still working this weekend. I said no. He asked if I switched with someone. I said no. He asked if I quit. I said yes. He asked why. I should have told him to shove it, it wasn’t his business, but instead I told him I couldn’t deal with it. He asked what I meant, and I said that I have so much shit going on in my life right now, I couldn’t deal with it all. He stopped talking, got his stuff together, walked out without another word to me, and peeled out of the driveway. Ass.

He stopped wearing his wedding ring when we got home last week, even going so far as to leave it out on the table in the living room where I’d pass by it all the time, so I put it in my jewelry box. Today I put mine in there, too. I love my wedding band, but right now when I see it, it reminds me that the person I’m with now isn’t the person I married 4+ years ago.

I’m going to visit my Grandma tomorrow, which I’m excited about. Hopefully the weather holds up for the 2 hour drive out there, so I can open the windows and sunroof while blasting some tunes. I made her a lemon-lemon cake; I missed her birthday, as we were leaving for Las Vegas that day, and all the last-minute planning made me space out on ordering her a gift or even sending a card.

I forgot to blog this before, but our cat-sitter (Karen) left us this cute card telling us how good the cats were while we were gone on vacation, and it had an adorable picture of Lexie on it. I told her how much I liked the picture, and she said she’d get me another (larger) copy. She stopped by the other day, and gave me a framed 8×10! I love it. It was such a sweet gesture, I almost cried. A little sunshine falls into my otherwise cloud-filled life.

ETA: I went to WalMart today, and just as I was about to walk into the building, my fucking sandal broke. No way I could even kinda wear it. I stood there looking at it stupidly for a moment, then my biggest concern was whether to wear my good sandal while I trudged thru the store to the shoe department, or take the “good” sandal off and walk barefoot.

I wore the sandal.

I think I heard people laugh at me.

The cashier looked at me funny as I took off my shoe so she could ring it up.

I bought an $8 pair of sandals I didn’t need.


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Well, that’s a hit!!

A few months ago I bought this pet stroller, and finally today the weather was warm enough so I took Taffy out for a walk. She. Loved. It!! She is still laying in it, and we got home about 5 minutes ago. I know people are probably going to give me funny looks, but I will NEVER let either of my cats wander loose, and Taffy is still having trouble walking, so I don’t care what they think. So now she’ll get fresh air while she’s being paraded around like a queen. Win-win for her!


ETA: She laid in it for over an hour before finally giving up. I think she was hoping to get me to take her out again!

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Stitch-In was last night–it was good to get out with the girls. I got to show off my finished Lady Eleanor:


and my socks in progress:


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Roller coaster

B and I had counseling this morning, and it’s back on the emotional roller coaster for me. What I really have a hard time with is he says exactly what’s on his mind at a given time, without thinking about how it’s going to sound, so I think he means one thing and he actually means something less horrible. Because apparently “I’m not happy” and “the more time I spend with you, the more I want to be alone” mean he needs space to work on his own issues, not that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I didn’t talk much during this session, just piped up to defend myself, and correct some things that B said that weren’t true.

She asked me point-blank if I wanted to work on the relationship, and I didn’t say anything. I don’t know right now if I do or not. I think I’m going to apply for some jobs in Las Vegas and Arizona, and see what I’m offered. I already applied for a job here in the Rockford area.

I feel like he’s abandoning me. I feel that he’s running away from an uncomfortable time in our marriage and hoping it will just resolve itself, and if it doesn’t then he’s going to give up. I feel that instead of trying to remember the good in our past and trying to bring that back, he’s just compounding the bad stuff now in his mind. I feel that instead of loving me for who I am (completely), he’s finding fault with parts of me, and holding that against me (my weight mostly).

My friends say I don’t deserve to be treated like this. That I can do better. Our counselor (about my schooling, I think) said I need to do what’s right for me.

I’m terrified of change. Especially change this big, all my own decisions, and all by myself. I feel like in the past six months, every time I pick up the pieces of part of my life that went to hell, I just get my feet under me and something else falls apart. I’m so tired.

How can you love someone and hate them at the same time?

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