Archive for February, 2009


So, B and I went to a counseling session today. We’re seeing the same counselor we’ve been to before for grief (me) and some physical/psychological issues (B). It was nice to just be able to jump into the problem instead of having to give a lot of history. We got a LOT of stuff out; I think it was the most productive hour I’ve spent in a long time. We feel a little better, but we have a long way to go. I can’t even verbalize all that I’m feeling about this situation. I was asked to switch days with someone at work this weekend, so I have Sunday off, and I’m thinking B and I need to go on a date. A real date that he has to plan and put effort into.

Hopefully I can clear my head a bit about this and get to my school work. I have to study for my TEAS test, plus I have a paper due on the 13th that I just plain don’t want to do. I decided I’m going to go ahead and continue getting all my application stuff in order, and when I go in for my meeting with the nursing director on the 20th, I’ll lay out my case for her then. She should have my TEAS scores then, and maybe I could get my chemistry teacher to write something about how well I’m doing in this class, since it’s the next level chemistry that’s in question. Hell, I have a feeling I could get the Organic Chemistry book, read it in the next 8 weeks, and take the final and pass it. But even if the director would just agree to put me on the “maybe” list and I at least get a chance to get in if someone drops or something, I’ll take it.

Lexie has been glued to my side lately. She seems to know I’ve been going through hell, and is doing what she can to comfort me. I love that little bugger!

I did some “self-medicating” and bought about $175 worth of stuff off my Amazon wish list. Heh. I would’ve bought yarn, but I can’t seem to get to my knitting for anything lately. I did buy some knitting books, though.



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Holy crap, what a time I’ve had the past few days. B told me he wanted a baby (now). I told him this was the WORST time to talk about this, but he’s feeling the baby fever, and he knows his wife has been pretty adamant against kidlets. So, I had a bit of a crisis deciding if I wanted kids or to be single again. I chose to be with him, and jump into the kiddie pool…BUT I want to get my LPN first.

I thought everything was OK at this point, but hell no. He tells me a few days later that he has feelings for a woman he works with. WHAT?!?!?!? She is a single mom, so he was all into the insta-family notion. I told him to decide on US or the FANTASY (which is all it was, really). He said he didn’t know. My life fell apart. He was thinking of leaving what we built over 6 years on the chance that this woman might have an interest in him…and only because she has a kid? He told me he didn’t feel I really wanted a family, and would change my mind eventually or regret deciding to have a kid. I told him I did not make my decision (to have a family) lightly and he needed to fucking trust me. He wouldn’t. He said I was always changing my mind about stuff, and why should this be any different? It seemed pretty hopeless.

Last night, I talked to my friend K, and she basically said that she thinks B still loves me and while he’s confused, he wants the marriage to work and by gosh I need to fight! So when he came home from work, I told him point blank I want a kid with you. I will do whatever it takes to make you see that I am serious. I want us to be together, and I want to be the one to give you a child. He said that’s what he wants, too, and he finally believes me, but I feel there is much work to be done to repair the damage that this inflicted. I don’t trust that he won’t up and leave on a whim.

Now all this means I have to go full speed ahead to try to get into the LPN program for this fall. I am plugging along, making appointments for exams and getting people lined up for recommendation letters and such, and here comes the fucking problem to end it all: they added a class to the program last year, the school catalog is almost three years old (and they don’t update it online), so I just find out in the application packet that I need Chemistry 120 (the next level up from the class I’m in right now). No problem, I’ll take it in the summer. Hell no! You have to have the class (since it’s a pre-req and not support) done by the SPRING semester beforehand. Shhhhhhhiiiiiitttttttt. ONE CLASS IS GOING TO KEEP ME FROM GETTING INTO THIS PROGRAM AND I’LL HAVE TO WAIT A WHOLE OTHER YEAR. Hell no! I’m fighting this one with all I got. I have a 3.81 GPA, next week they’ll have my TEAS test results (which should tell them I’m awesomely smart), plus this one. fucking. class. is newly added on. I will take it over the summer. Plus, another kicker is the advisor I talked to didn’t even know that pre-reqs had to be done the spring before applying.

Everyone keep their fingers crossed I can get this school thing straightened out. I am so fucking tired of fighting to keep everything in my life going the way I want it to. Can’t something be easy?

Sorry for all the swearing.


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One busy week

Starting Saturday afternoon, I may just crawl into bed and not resurface until Monday. Or ever! My week looked like this, starting with last Tuesday (Feb 10):

Tuesday: School; take cats to vet

Wednesday: 2 massage appointments; CNA job 2-10:30

Thursday: CNA 2-10:30

Friday: 3 massage appointments

Saturday: 1 massage appt; CNA 2-10:30

Sunday: CNA 2-10:30

Monday: 3 massage appts

Tuesday: School

Holy crap am I tired! I still have one more day of “training” at the new job (this Thursday), then I’ll only be working there every other weekend. Not one stitch of knitting has been done in what feels like forever. I miss it. Thankfully Stitch-In is tonight, and I ain’t missing it for anything!

School is going well. I really like chemistry. People in my class would probably beat me over the head with a rock if they saw this. It just makes sense; if you take the time and do the steps, it’s actually really easy. I think my classmates that seem to be having a rough time of it are trying too hard, or wanting to get from point A to point G without having to hit B, C, D, E, and F on the way. Now psychology, on the other hand, is not my cuppa tea. We had an exam last Tuesday, and I would have bet you money I failed that test (or gotten a D at best). We get the test back today, and mine is the last test he hands back so the anticipation is killing me, and OMGWTF I got an A! 98% even! Margaritas on me tonight!! It helps that he grades on a curve (he throws out the questions the majority of the class gets wrong, and if you get those right, you get double points for them) but I still never ever expected this.

We’re getting our taxes done tomorrow, and I’m keeping my fingers crossed we get a refund. We could use some $$ for vacation–which is in April, coming up fast!–but I may whine and carry on about getting an iTouch if we get enough money back. I am in love; they are the coolest gadget I’ve seen in a long time. Either that or an iPhone….same difference to me. I would love to carry fewer electronics around; right now I use a Palm Pilot for appointments and Quicken and stuff, a cell phone, and my iPod. An iPhone would cover all 3 in one! The only thing holding us back (because of course B would want one too, especially since he keeps breaking his Palm Pilots) is that Pocket Quicken isn’t compatible with Apple devices, only Windows Mobile. Boo. I’m trying to figure out a way around that, plus find the $600 for two iPhones that would need to fall out of the sky for us to afford them (and unfortunately I’m not crapping money this week).

If you are still reading this, you get a gold star because all that blathering had to be fucking boring!


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I’m a joiner

So, today I joined Weight Watchers online. Right now I’m not feeling the love, and I’m still wondering if I made the right choice in doing it online vs. going to meetings, but I have to push myself to stick with it this time. I will (hopefully) be getting a new cell phone (a pink Blackberry Pearl) this weekend, so I’ll have access to Weight Watchers mobile and will have NO excuses for not tracking! Plus, I have to keep telling myself if I can stick with it for the next few months, I won’t be so uncomfortable when flying to and from Las Vegas in April. My first goal!

I haven’t been working on B’s sweater because he pissed me off this weekend. That’s all I’m going to say about that.

Now I have to go and study for my psych exam tomorrow. I’m not expecting to do well on it.


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…and boy am I tired! Orientation was from 8am to 3:30pm, then I had to rush home and be ready for a 90-minute massage appointment at 4:30. Phew! The pile of dishes I was going to wash tonight will just have to sit out another night. Tomorrow is another day, and all that.

B is taking me out for dinner tomorrow night to celebrate my new job. I’m hoping for Red Lobster.


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Brownie fail

So, the brownies were OK. A bit too dry and crumbly (the recipe calls for an HOUR at 350 degrees. No way! I only baked for 30 minutes and they were a bit overcooked by then). So for next time, either bake for 20 minutes, or find another recipe to try!

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Mmmmm, brownies

So, apparently the diet starts tomorrow, since Aunt Flo started her one week visit today and is making me eat everything fried or gooey or chocolately I can get my hands on. I decided I HAD to have brownies, and the recipe I have of my Mom’s is just OK. So I found this recipe online, but for the first time I doctored it. I have never doctored a recipe before! I used salted butter instead of unsalted, omitted the cocoa powder and salt, added 1 tsp. vanilla and some chopped pecans. I’m interested to taste them.

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